I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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