Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
