Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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