I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize