why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Randomize
