Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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