your thong is hanging out like whoa
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
