i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
