you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
