true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Use "feeling words"
Yay
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize