His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
