have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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