If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
