Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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