So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize