took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
