i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He passed out mid-signature
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
