you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize