You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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