You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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