anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
