I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
