Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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