My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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