I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I need a beard to bite.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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