I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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