I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
