If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize