How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
