Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
