That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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