I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
