i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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