Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
