Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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