I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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