Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
