I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
