1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just forgot I was standing up.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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