and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
