I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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