***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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