Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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