we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
