Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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