i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
