I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
