im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
