Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
