Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Randomize
