He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
