So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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