Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
