I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
