he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
