I'm going to jail i love you
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
