He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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