Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
