watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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