Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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