I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize