we have officially lost it.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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