but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
