I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
