After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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