Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
