ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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