I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Randomize
